Annette and David's situation is not uncommon. The arrival of three children in quick succession had completely transformed their relationship. With three boys aged seven, five, and three, their focus had shifted from intimacy, excitement, and desire to domesticity and practicality. Finding time for romance had become nearly impossible.
During our sessions, our goal was to help them reconnect with the emotions they had experienced at the beginning of their relationship. We wanted them to remember why they fell in love with each other. Instead of dwelling on their unresolved issues, we aimed to help them feel better together in the present moment. Given their shared love for reading, bibliotherapy seemed like a natural fit.
As unconventional as it may sound, I suggested a date-night book club as a literary prescription. What better way to spend quality time together than by reading side by side and engaging in animated discussions? The challenge was finding a book that would appeal to both of them. David enjoyed non-fiction, particularly autobiographies, business books, and travel and nature writing. Some of his favorite books included Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson, Churchill and the Dardanelles by Christopher Bell, and Underland by Robert Macfarlane. On the other hand, Annette was a fan of literary fiction, fantasy, and historical fiction. Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall trilogy perfectly aligned with her reading preferences.
Instinctively, I chose a memoir that offered a narrative structure for Annette and real-life details for David. We settled on Dear Selma: A World War II Love Letter Romance by Bernard D Brown. There's something about reading a couple's love story that inspires us to put more effort into our own relationships.
In the midst of their weekly date-night book clubs, I proposed that Annette and David engage in the practice of writing letters to one another. Letter-writing serves as a creative technique of bibliotherapy that I utilize to address relationship issues, as it fosters emotional intimacy between the reader and the writer. I believed that letter-writing would be the perfect method to reintroduce romance into Annette and David's relationship and create anticipation for their upcoming date night.
The initial step was for them to determine their love languages using Gary Chapman's The 5 Love Languages. According to Chapman, love can be experienced in five different ways or "languages": quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I suggested that they identify which love languages held the most significance for both of them and concentrate on these languages during their date night. Consequently, they now had not just one book, but two, to discuss during their first date night the following Friday.
The second task I assigned them was to complete a set of literary questions (provided below) that can help rekindle dormant passion. Sharing oneself through the responses to these questions encourages feelings of closeness and intimacy.
Lastly, I proposed something purely experimental. I encouraged them to read love poems aloud to each other at some point during the middle of the week. Reading poetry to our loved ones is an incredibly romantic gesture, akin to casting a bibliotherapy spell for romance.
When I caught up with Annette and David a few weeks later, I discovered that these simple habits had reignited some of the romance they had been missing and instilled a renewed sense of connection between them. They continued with their date-night book club and letter-writing, although they decided that reading poetry was not something they would do on a regular basis. And that is the beauty of reading and reading together. It grants us the opportunity to discover the love languages we need to express how much the other person means to us. Sharing an immersive experience that aligns us both on the same page brings us closer, and allowing ourselves to be positively influenced by other people's stories of love can aid us in rediscovering our own.
1. Which book holds a special place in your heart from your childhood? What makes it your favorite?
2. If you could choose one book that everyone should read, what would it be and why?
3. Which book has had the greatest impact on you personally? How has it influenced your perspective or shaped your thoughts?
4. If you had the opportunity to host a literary dinner party, who would you extend an invitation to and what is the reason behind your choice?
5. If you were to gift a book to someone you deeply care about, which book would you choose and what makes it the perfect gift?
6. What is your favorite love story and what captivates you about it? What draws you to the characters and their journey?
7. Can you share some of the most intriguing books you have come across? What makes them stand out in your opinion?
8. What are your aspirations when it comes to reading? Are there any specific goals or achievements you hope to accomplish?
9. Is there a book that you haven't had the chance to read yet, but you are genuinely excited about diving into? What makes you eager to explore its pages?
10. If you had a friend going through a difficult time, which book(s) would you recommend to them as a source of solace or inspiration?
11. Are there any hidden literary gems in your collection that you wish more people knew about? Books that have touched you deeply but are not widely recognized?
12. What brings meaning and purpose to your life? What aspects or experiences contribute to your sense of fulfillment?